Sunday, August 09, 2009

Hell is Just Like Soylent Green.

What was that phrase about L'Enfère? Oh yes--c'est les autres. File this in that category.

Since I'm in a bad mood, I might as well mention one of the many annoying things about being a lover of things fragrant. No, not the girlish, frivolous perception that liking perfume has; not the ridiculous fawning over brand names like Chanel and Guerlain; and not the the whole "natural perfume" thing. This is something that could very well be peculiar to me, but I sense is not:

Because I like perfume and scents, people assume that I want to own a "perfume shop." (What IS a perfume shop??? Sephora? Bloomingdales? Crabtree & Evelyn?) The other day someone tried to use this idea of owning a perfume shop as an example to illustrate something about my personality to me. But it fell flat in the same way that people who hit on me used to say that I "would someday be a really famous actor," or some such crap, assuming that would flatter me. But it didn't. Because I never wanted to be an actor (but for a while I let people believe that I did, because it was just easier than going into a whole thing about what I really wanted to do, which wasn't so clear anyway--it didn't matter anyway, because people don't listen, unless they want to fuck you, and then they're just listening for the next thing they can glom onto to get you home with them. L'Enfère...). So naturally whatever target this person was aiming for, he missed.

A lesson, impressionable readers: If you want to seduce someone, or even influence him or her, KNOW the person. Do your homework. Reference what they really are interested in. If someone has really taken the time to get to know you, and wasn't spending the whole friendship waiting to talk about him or herself, that person can make you fall in love with her. Why? Because so few people ever actually pay attention to others. There have been occasions that I have thought, "If that person only meant ______ by that, and was speaking allegorically, it would make him so clever I would fall in love with him." That said, I'm just as guilty as everyone else. I hate it when people glaze over when I talk about perfume, but I regularly go over a mental grocery list when people start talking about their relationships or jobs or cats or nephews. But anyway...

Why do people assume that I want to own a perfume store? The logic doesn't seem straightforward to me. I get the "he likes perfume, so he wants to own a perfume store," but it's far from my idea of the thing someone who likes perfume would want over everything else. It's certainly never been a dream of MINE. The dream, which I think would be beyond obvious, is to have my own perfume. A bottle with my name on it with a scent I had created (by a perfumer, because I can't make perfume--another thing people seem to think is that if you like perfume, you'd be good at blending it. Not necessarily. I have a good voice, I've been told, as far as vocal quality, but I'm a bad singer. Same idea.). Not to own a shop or boutique. The dream is to have a big setup in Bloomingdales, or to create something timeless and iconic, like No. 5. Or even to create really cool commercials, like Calvin Klein's were considered back in the day.

And since I'm bitching and it's a related idea, I don't understand why people think I would want to work at a fragrance company. As an assistant or something. Why in the hell would I want THAT?! It would be great to work at one as a perfumer or even someone in the marketing/advertising side, but not as an assistant or in some accounting role. That would ruin fragrance for me. I love Barnes and Noble, but after working there once for a short period, I wouldn't go into one for almost a year. Why would I want a crappy job at a perfume company?? Because spreadsheets and meetings about perfume are so exciting?? Because maybe 5 floors up and two offices down decisions about something interesting are taking place? So I can read PERFUME executives spell common words incorrectly? It's beyond me.


Bullshit-Inspired Perfumes

I'm not one of those people who cares particularly what a perfume's bottle looks like, but sheesh--how long is this "so shitty it looks like you made it in the garage" look gonna run its course??!?

And maybe it's my present bad mood, but I find something offensive about making a set of perfumes based on the idea of tarot cards. It reeks of gimmickery, or, as the Mugler people would call it, "gadgetry." (I will never forget that from their presentation long ago--that, the fact that the one could call dogs with his s's, and the whole "skin accord smelling like butter" thing.) However, it's not half as offensive as the article in Elle about it. It makes me want to vomit when I read these purple descriptions of the "notes," and I'd rather have explosive diarrhea than read their "who it would be great for" claptrap. Like one of the scents would be great for Lady Gaga and another would be perfect for Linsday Lohan. Blech!